My friends. Most of the time, I don’t know what to say about them or to them about how I feel about them. Grateful. Thankful. In love. Anything within that spectrum really.
I’ve had a long run at trying to figure out this happiness thing. At first it was the search for it and now it’s trying to just be. Sometimes I feel that I am in search of it and sometimes I recognize that I am happy and I do have it. There are times when I’m in it and there are times when I’m not in it.
Most of my friends and all of my close friends know that I feel depressed often. I am fortunate enough to have those in my life that are there for me and help me through it. The other day I realized that those moments are going to come regardless in life, but they are also going to go regardless in life. Emotions come and they go. The idea of suicide is still very present in me and it pops up every once in awhile. This blog post is an idea I’ve had for years but never felt right to write; until now.
The thing about suicide is that for a lot of people, they feel that within them, they are at a level of 0%. For me, I feel that way more often then I want to. But while I get out of that rut, I try to tell myself that I am not and will never be at 0%. The closest I will ever get to is 1%. There will always be someone or some persons that represent the other 99% that make up who I am. You see, we all forget about the good things we have in the people with us. No matter how low I go, I will always have one or more persons who can make me feel whole again. To make me feel 100% again.
I can especially say that I am never 100% without the people in my life. The most I can feel complete within me is 99% because there is always someone or rather some people who make up that last 1%. I can be as self accomplished, assured, confident in me as I can, but I am not here alone. I didn’t get here alone. It was with the unconditional love from those who don’t have a reason to care; they just care.