Light is Most Beautiful, When Surrounded By Darkness

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In my world, nothing is more truer than this sentence. It’s my hopeline. It’s my reminder of what is and what isn’t. It reminds me of purpose. It is my guiding hand when i am blind; when i cannot see. It’s the voice i found inside of me and the voice i repeat. It’s one thing i do actually hold onto while i learn to let things go. It’s my totem when I’m in inception. When things are too difficult and out of touch with reality. It’s amazing how something, purely in your head, can be your everything. Not a person, a place, or a thing and not even a feeling. It’s the idea that i have for me.

Light is most beautiful when surrounded by darkness. A candle in the night. A streetlamp. Christmas tree lights. We all have a favorite or a few favorites. During the evening, cities look completely different than from the day. And it’s always relaxing. It cools you down and it slows your breath. You are in the present; and when you are, you are not distracted as you take everything in. You’re free. Your mind is quiet and blank and you are at peace with yourself.

Beautiful sunrises and sunsets, it’s the rapid contrast of dark and light. It’s intense the exchange of light and darkness and you can’t help but feel it.

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Me + My Friends = 100%

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My friends. Most of the time, I don’t know what to say about them or to them about how I feel about them. Grateful. Thankful. In love. Anything within that spectrum really.

I’ve had a long run at trying to figure out this happiness thing. At first it was the search for it and now it’s trying to just be. Sometimes I feel that I am in search of it and sometimes I recognize that I am happy and I do have it. There are times when I’m in it and there are times when I’m not in it.

Most of my friends and all of my close friends know that I feel depressed often. I am fortunate enough to have those in my life that are there for me and help me through it. The other day I realized that those moments are going to come regardless in life, but they are also going to go regardless in life. Emotions come and they go. The idea of suicide is still very present in me and it pops up every once in awhile. This blog post is an idea I’ve had for years but never felt right to write; until now.

The thing about suicide is that for a lot of people, they feel that within them, they are at a level of 0%. For me, I feel that way more often then I want to. But while I get out of that rut, I try to tell myself that I am not and will never be at 0%. The closest I will ever get to is 1%. There will always be someone or some persons that represent the other 99% that make up who I am. You see, we all forget about the good things we have in the people with us. No matter how low I go, I will always have one or more persons who can make me feel whole again. To make me feel 100% again.

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We had 6 weeks of class together and hung out 5 times. I might not ever see him again because he’s from a different country than me. But in our goodbyes, on my birthday, he told me that I changed his world and he sees himself differently now in the mirror. This is what it’s all about folks. Going on adventures and making people’s lives better.

My Tattoo is My Gift

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I have a gift. People who know me well have told me I have a gift. Someone once told me this after meeting them for less than 10 minutes. “I really do have a gift” is what I would tell myself after that. I tried to say it enough so that eventually I wouldn’t have to say it. I would know it.

Now I really know it. I have a gift with people. I have met and been welcomed into the corners of people’s lives everywhere I go. It just happens to me really. I told myself years ago that I can make the world a better place just by a handshake and dammit I’ve been doing just that. Taking time to enjoy my time and to be away from everything I know has allowed me to live with and rely on that. What I mean by the corners of people’s lives is that people tend to take their walls down and unarm themselves when they’re with me. I have learned the darkest secrets of people’s lives by sitting and nodding my head.

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Hagia Sophia of Istanbul

www.Amsterdon.com

The Basilica Cistern of Istanbul

I most certainly have done a lot in the past 9 months. More importantly, I am starting to like myself a lot.

As I lose two phones in the span of two months, I also lost a bunch of my photos. Here are a random collection of ones I’ve managed to save.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Vivan Greene

At moments it’s a leap forward, then a couple of steps back, but then I realize it’s not really a step back but a dance move I’ve invented

Holla from Holland